My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
