So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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