You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
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