After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
