I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Randomize
