just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
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