yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
