I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
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