I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
