Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Randomize
