I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
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