Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Randomize
