Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
40s are totally the cure
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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