cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize