M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I just blew my weed a kiss
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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