Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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