i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
