Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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