I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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