Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Randomize
