You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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