I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize