Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
