the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
did i just pee glitter
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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