no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize