In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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