I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Randomize
