In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
