If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
