i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Randomize
