i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
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