someone get that fucking seahorse.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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