I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
