i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
