yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
