so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
