I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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