my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
