this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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