I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
