I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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