i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
They have beer where we have blood.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
