I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
