i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Randomize
