She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
You made out with two different species that night
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
