For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
