1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
