just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
