The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Randomize
