Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
