i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
