I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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